My Current Thoughts On Marriage — The 26yr Old Vixin
- Posted: August 15, 2011
- Category: family / lesson learned / life choices / love / men / relationships / uncertainty
Man I love Twitter. There’s always some discussion or debate that gets me going and juiced up to write. Er’day, B. Er’day. So earlier this week, I was inspired by tweets from @NappyHeadedBros & @The1Qdub.
@NappyHeadedBros: @The1Qdub Women afraid of marriage are really afraid they wont make good wives. Some are afraid to change, and others are afraid they cant.
I read that and started to tweet my opinion on the matter. I quickly got tired of being restricted by the 140 character limit and alas, here I am.
1. I am terrified of marriage.
2. I want to be married.
3. I want to get it right the first and last time (read: I want to get married once and live happily ever after).
These are my simple truths. Let me explain. My parents are married. I am a product of having a mother and a father in the home. I like that. In my mind, my dad is unquestionably THE best dad, flaws and all. I want that for my children as well. I once heard from my aunt Tanya, “be careful who you reproduce with; children are forever” or some variation of that. That’s the God’s honest truth. I want my children to have an amazing father at home the same way I did. That ish right there is stressful as all hell. I don’t know how some people can be so lax with choosing reproductive partners. It’s forever. You only choose the father/mother of a child ONCE. Yeah, there’s the whole step parent thing, but that doesn’t change who the biological parents are. I happen to take that very seriously. I plan on having one man father all my children. There’s nothing wrong if you’re not about that life, but that’s you. I choose otherwise for myself. You like red, I like pink. I know I want my children to have a father whom they can depend on for something as simple as a “good morning, I love you” IN PERSON every morning, to something as complex as being a good role model in multiple aspects of life. And, I repeat, I want him to do all of this from the same house I live in with my children, not over the phone.
I wholeheartedly desire to be married once. I don’t ever want to have to go through a divorce. I want the man I choose to spend the rest of my life with and father my children to be the only man I’m with from the agreement to wed on out. I want to be that old couple, who 50 years later look alike, still hold hands, fuss over the dumbest things, and get excited when their grandchildren poop. But that whole idea is contingent on the belief that another fallible human being, who is of his God given freewill and natural design imperfect and prone to making mistakes and changing. There aren’t too many aspects about being human that are permanent. But marriage just so happens to be one of those constructs that is comprised of two imperfect and impermanent parts, that is indeed intended on being permanent. Stranger things have happened I guess. For me, banking on another person fifteen years and three kids later not waking up and wanting a new damn life is scary!! My husband is risking the same in marrying me. He would be trusting that in that same fifteen years and three kids later, I don’t wake up and decide it’s not what I wanted.
I’m a strong proponent of keeping your Zen in your place of residence. I’m stressed at work. I’m often upset while out and about. There is no way I can envision being unhappy in my own home. Part of my fear of marriage is being in an unhappy relationship. I don’t want to stay married to someone “for the kids” or because it’s “cheaper to keep her.” I want to be with someone because that’s where I want to be, because that person makes me happy and makes me feel safe. I’m totally aware that marriage isn’t all bubble gum and lollipops. Nothing worth it is ever easy. Hell writing this blog isn’t always easy; I don’t expect something like marriage to be. I know there will be arguments, hard times, even hard years. You’re supposed to weather the storm together. I believe that if I wait until I find the man who makes me believe that the days I want to remove his heart with my bare hands are worth the good times that we share together, marriage is a viable option. From personal experience, however, I know it’s easy to fall for someone and believe that you want to be with them forever, just to have that turn on its head. You couldn’t tell me that I wasn’t going to marry my ex and mother his children. In my mind, it was fact, and we were just enjoying being together before changing our lives and becoming parents. Enter currently single Ms.Vixin. That ex clearly didn’t work out. I know from experience that people change. Out of the blue their values seem to dissolve and your feelings no longer seem to matter. You being happy is no longer a priority to them. Working through the differences doesn’t seem an option until THEY are ready. Nah, B. I’m not bout that life. Been there, done that, hated it, don’t want to do it again. I know from firsthand experience that a man can totally be in love with you and swear to move the world ¼ inch every Thursday in your honor in March, and straight shit on you and your feelings come May. Bitter? Possibly. Wiser because of it? Definitely. I would be a fool if I didn’t learn from my experiences.
If that wasn’t enough of an example for you, here’s another one for you to blow your nose with. I had a boyfriend that I was with off and on from sixteen to about twenty-two or twenty-three. I’ve lost track at this point. Over that span of time, we planned on getting married and having kids…. Enter real life. That obviously didn’t happen. There was so much growth in each of us over those years. I’m sure you all know how far apart sixteen and eighteen are, let alone sixteen and twenty-two/ twenty-three. We became different people, as we should have. Maturity is supposed to come with age. As we got older, at times we grew closer together, but ultimately we grew apart. I still love him very much, and wish nothing but the best for him, but I’ll be damned if I’m ever with that man again lol. We can be friends (although a strained relationship because he pisses me off constantly) but not lovers. He just doesn’t do it for me anymore. I’m no longer attracted to him in that way. I find him attractive, but not romantically; make sense? Makes perfect sense to me, but I don’t expect y’all to understand my thought process all the time.
Essentially, what I’m trying to express to you guys is that nothing is guaranteed. I learned years ago, that love will not keep two people together. I happened to have been reminded of such since. It takes more than good intentions to make a relationship, let alone one as sacred as a marriage work. I’m just worried about falling and marrying someone who has good intentions, but isn’t willing to work at it. I’m scared that even I will have good intentions, but realize I’ve chosen the wrong person. I want to get married. Really, I do. But at this point it’s just scary as all hell. I guess it’s like a roller coaster — even though you’re scared, your ass gets on for the ride. You know you might DIE but you do it anyway. I guess the right man will make all of this seem less scary. Personally, I feel that if marriage doesn’t scare the living crap out of you, you’re probably leaving too much to chance.
What are your thoughts? Any newlyweds want to comment? I know there are a few of you out there….. Anyone engaged and want to share? Anyone with similar experiences want to back me up??
jbd02
So what if you’re engage to be married, but you think that someone you know might be a perfect match for you? Do you risk everything and throw away your current relationship, play both sides of the field and see if the new person is the one, or stick with what you have?
Alicia Joi Gatling
WHEW what a post! Its funny because I was watching Keeping up with the Kardashians “The Wedding” today and I was thinking, how could you even begin to fathom marrying someone you’ve known for 9 DAYS! But then some people know someone forever and can’t make it work. So I don’t know. But I will say that marriage is definitely work! I swear these people who say it is just sooooo easy are doing something wrong and don’t know it. Not to say it’s not fun and fabulous–I have had some of the best moments of my life whilst being married–but you have to put in the effort and always remember that it is a partnership that only works if both people are fully committed. For the same reasons you want a solid marriage, I have the opposite reasons for wanting (and working hard for) one. I never lived with both parents at the same time that I can recall (since I was 2) and I want that solid home life for my future kids. My mom and dad were great parents, but I always wondered what it would be like to see them hug each other in the morning and do those simple domestic things together that most people take for granted and that you obviously appreciated growing up. In a nutshell, I think your opinions about the lifelong institution that is marriage are spot on, and when you meet that person who is not perfect, but perfect for you, you will definitely know.
ContagiouslyCranky
I 100% concur with points 1, 2 and 3. Being a ripe and thoroughly fertile 25 year old woman who is in a committed relationship, the ‘when are you getting married’ question tends to pop up on average about 10 times a week. There is no doubting that I am in love, but there is also no question that with love comes many other variables to form a successful marriage. I for one am not in the business of pleasing others and therefore will not jump the gun on jumping the broom just so the masses, and my momma, can get dressed up and go to a fancy party.
Tina
You said a mouthful there MsVixen. I can only speak for myself and say that when I was about to get married a couple of weeks before, I had my ‘OMG’ moments. Asking myself what am i doing? As a matter of fact, I told my fiance for many years that I loved him at first sight and the day that he purposed I did not answer YES, the first thing out of my mouth was… “Are you sure?” I never had a doubt in my mind until the weeks when it became so real. I say all of this to let you know that we all get afraid at some point, and for those that haven’t consider yourselves lucky. But what I held on to was knowing and trusting that WE are in this together and that WE have both of each others interests at heart and want to stay together FOREVER. Time will allow you to see a person, and from what you’ve written you have become a good judge of character and know exactly what you want out of a relationship… do not lose that. This will help you not to make the mistakes that you have seen others do. And to kind of play on what Alicia was saying…. I was fortunate to grow up in a household with my parents together and I am grateful that I was able to visualize a successful marriage. My father loved my other sisters and brothers like they were his very own. He and my mother never fussed in front of us. They did not act like everything was “perfect”, but they let us know that they were able to talk things over and solve their problems (most of the time). They always strived to make our household complete and I thank them for that. On our wedding day the vows we say are for a reason and its funny but my husband and I constantly remind each other of what we said that day and this helps us to keep working on our marriage and making it stronger day by day. Sometimes its just the little things. We all are a bit fearful at times, but use your wisdom on whom you choose, don’t ignore the signs, and don’t be afraid to step out on what we call FAITH.
techiedrummer
Divorced father of 2 here. Let me first say that I commend you on your honesty. At least you know what you want and don’t want. As far as marriage goes, I thought mine would last forever as well but, that wasn’t the case. We grew apart (both parties are to blame). I will say that I am very thankful for her being teh mother of my children. Will I re-up again, that is so far up in the air that I can’t even see it…lol. The ink is barely dry on my paperwork so, technically I’m back on the market but not necessarily ready to settle down with anyone. I have too many things that I am trying to acomplish, first and foremost, my relationship with God and my Ministry. Yes there are MANY MANY lonely nights out there where I wish I had the company of a lovely lady in the evening or morning. However, there is that risk involved where one of both parites will get caught up when the other or both are not ready and, at 42, I am not interested in “sport sex”. Been there done that and have the world tour t-shirt to prove it. Also, from a biblical standpoint, when a man finds a wife he finds a good thing…”. I say that to say he is supposed to find you not the other way around but, I digress. There’s my $.02
techiedrummer
I love what Tina said. I’m the youngest of 4 and my parents were together until my Dad passed away in ’05. I wanted to be the one who out did their record or over 50 years but, I didn’t. My point here is that you cannot and I mean CANNOT base your marriage on someone elses. Not saying that you will but, don’t be like me and say I want to have a marriage last for over 50 years or anything of that nature. That’s a very high expectation in today’s society. Like Tina said, FAITH is going to have to play a VERY important role in the marriage.
Ms.Vixin
I get where you’re going, but I DO want a marriage that will last 50+ years! lol I intend to plan on that entering into the union. I think if more people in society really took time to internalize what that meant, more people would approach marriage as a life commitment, and not as a “wedding”.