Having someone love you even though they know the things about you that make you love yourself less, is one of the most confusing feelings.
There’s one thing about myself that I’ll always hate. Always. It never gets easier to deal with, although some days it just doesn’t weigh on my mind as heavily. Having someone know my insecurities and fears, the things I don’t accept about myself, and accepting me, loving me despite them? What to make of this? If I don’t accept it, HOW can someone else?
This has been on my mind especially after my weekend, and after watching Rihanna’s interview with Oprah. The two aren’t really connected, but they mix in my mind. After listening to her story, I began to think about my own. Why do I end up with the men I do? Why do I generally repeat the same cycle with the same men? I’m a serial re-offender. I break up to make up. Once I love someone that’s it. I’ll always love them. I may not be “in love” with them, but their well being will always be something that matters. I wish ill upon no one, not even those that have hurt me the most.
I think I’m a forgiving person, but I’m not certain. I’ve only ever totally walked away from two people in my life that I had long standing relationships with. One was a best friend, one was a boyfriend. It also helped, that neither of them reached out after the “breakup”. Well the boyfriend did, but it wasn’t enough considering the situation. But every other boyfriend, I’ve broken up with and ended up back with….. numerous times in some situations. I don’t HATE anyone for what they’ve done to me. I don’t carry that around with me. I’m still hurt by it, but I’ve always welcomed love for them back in my heart.
Am I weak because I go back to something that didn’t work before? Am I weak because I give a repentant ex another chance? Or am I just forgiving? Everyone says you can forgive but not forget. But does forgiving and not forgetting mean you should never trust your offender again? Does that mean you should never open yourself up to that person or anyone else who may do the same again? Where is the line?
I think it boils down to humanity. I’ve been hurt by my parents before. They’re human. They’ve both said and done things in my life that I’ll never forget, but they’re my parents and I love them. Again, I’ve never and will never forget the things I’ve been hurt by, but I still love them. The same way the good they’ve done for me and the love they’ve shown me outweighs their flaws and failures, why can’t it be the same for someone else in my life? Is humanity exclusive? Are mistakes only acceptable from certain individuals in our lives? If you can’t forgive equally are you truly forgiving? Is it ok to love through the mistakes of some and not others?
How do you even know someone loves you? I mean, how do you really, truly, OBJECTIVELY know someone loves you? I have family members I’ve never heard utter the words to me, have never done more than send a few cards over the course of my life and possibly entertain a short convo once or twice in my life. But it’s understood that they love me because they’re family….. K. I’ve had ex-boyfriends tell me and show me that they love me, but fuck things up between us. Does he not love me because he made mistakes in our relationship? Does the family member love me more (even though they don’t know shit about me, don’t speak to me, never reach out and have never even actually uttered “I love you” to me) because they’ve never hurt me? People will say my aunt three times removed who’s probably only seen me a total of 7 times over the course of my 27 years and who’s never spoken more than 3 sentences to me loves me because she’s my family but tell me an ex never loved me because of “the way he treated me”. Got it. Because that makes perfect sense.
As soon as I think I have a handle on this love thing, something happens. I don’t expect to fully understand something so big, but does it have to be this damn confusing? I’m just full of questions, and I’m not sure how to find the answers.