I’m seeing my growth, ya’ll. I will say, I’m getting better at walking away from situations that are no good for me; if even just not totally investing myself in them. I won’t say that I don’t let them affect me, but I will say that I definitely don’t let them consume me. An important part of this is realizing their potential for causing me pain early on, and not ignoring that. A large part of me getting hurt in the past was me just not listening to my gut. I can look back and think on a few relationships that I knew FROM JUMP were a bad idea. I managed to tell myself that “he’d be worth a try.” Or that “he may not be as bad as I think he is, I just have to get to know him.” Girl bye. I’m over that and all on my “don’t believe me just watch.” And it’s much less about watching me be great (I’d say because I just always am, but that’d likely be a bit pretentious), but about watching others.
I’ve learned the hard way that it’s not about what you say, it’s about what you do. I mean, I’ve always known it, but I didn’t always internalize it. It’s something I believed, but not something that I actively applied. I won’t say that it will always be something that I can easily do, but from my experiences it’s something that I MUST do. Your gut is there for a reason. You went through shit in your life for a reason; to give you gut a reference. Listen.
Knowing something I’ve done or didn’t do hurt someone I love, hurts more than doing or not doing the thing that hurt them. There was an incident. I see where I should have learned my lesson in the past, but I clearly missed the message. If I would have taken time to remember the first time or even the second or third time life tried to teach me this lesson, I may not have even had to go through what’s going on now. Learn your lesson on the first hurt. Don’t experience the same pain multiple times because you’re not paying attention. Trust your struggle. You’re experiencing everything for a reason. Listen, learn and retain so you’re only given the lesson once.
I think a lot of times, we make things harder for ourselves because we wallow. We sit and focus on our feelings about the matter at hand, and disregard the actual matter at hand. Don’t waste too much time feeling bad for yourself. Dissect the situation. Find the lesson in the experience, INTERNALIZE IT (don’t just see it and leave it behind you. Hold on to that shit) and move on so you only hurt that way once. Life will continue to test you until you pass. Don’t take the same test more than once. If nobody has told you before, I’m telling you now. Learn your lesson on the first hurt.
So I told ya’ll about my dog getting hit by a car in a previous post. Now let me tell you what transpired a month later.
On the day Binxi got hit, I was supposed to go out on a dinner date. Considering the way the day was going, I told my date that I wan’t too sure about our plans for the evening especially since he revealed that they’d kick off much later than I’d expected. We agreed that he was going to call me when he left the city around 10pm. Fine. By 10pm that night I was on my bed crying alone, afraid that my dog wouldn’t make it through the weekend. I will admit that part of me was looking forward to that call all evening so that I’d have someone (not really someone, but him in particular) to be there with me that night. Why cry alone when you can cry in someone’s arms? Well, 10pm came and left and no call. This bothered me, because this wasn’t like him. He’s Mr. Communication. If he was running late or there was a change of plans, he’d always call. When I needed him to do something for me, he had my back. We’re actually good friends, even when we’re not dating each other. So when I didn’t get a call, I felt a way. I’d put up a request that my FB friends and twitter followers pray for Binxi’s recovery (if I didn’t say thank you enough before, thank you ALL so much. I believe in prayer, and I thank you all for your prayers, thoughts and well wishes) so I know he knew what was going on. He’s always telling me about something I posted on FB or liking a status or something so I know he checks it. The weekend ends, still no call from him.Read More»
Man I love Twitter. There’s always some discussion or debate that gets me going and juiced up to write. Er’day, B. Er’day. So earlier this week, I was inspired by tweets from @NappyHeadedBros & @The1Qdub.
@NappyHeadedBros: @The1Qdub Women afraid of marriage are really afraid they wont make good wives. Some are afraid to change, and others are afraid they cant.
I read that and started to tweet my opinion on the matter. I quickly got tired of being restricted by the 140 character limit and alas, here I am.
1. I am terrified of marriage.
2. I want to be married.
3. I want to get it right the first and last time (read: I want to get married once and live happily ever after).
These are my simple truths. Let me explain. My parents are married. I am a product of having a mother and a father in the home. I like that. In my mind, my dad is unquestionably THE best dad, flaws and all. I want that for my children as well. I once heard from my aunt Tanya, “be careful who you reproduce with; children are forever” or some variation of that. That’s the God’s honest truth. I want my children to have an amazing father at home the same way I did. That ish right there is stressful as all hell. I don’t know how some people can be so lax with choosing reproductive partners. It’s forever. You only choose the father/mother of a child ONCE. Yeah, there’s the whole step parent thing, but that doesn’t change who the biological parents are. I happen to take that very seriously. I plan on having one man father all my children. There’s nothing wrong if you’re not about that life, but that’s you. I choose otherwise for myself. You like red, I like pink. I know I want my children to have a father whom they can depend on for something as simple as a “good morning, I love you” IN PERSON every morning, to something as complex as being a good role model in multiple aspects of life. And, I repeat, I want him to do all of this from the same house I live in with my children, not over the phone.
I wholeheartedly desire to be married once. I don’t ever want to have to go through a divorce. I want the man I choose to spend the rest of my life with and father my children to be the only man I’m with from the agreement to wed on out. I want to be that old couple, who 50 years later look alike, still hold hands, fuss over the dumbest things, and get excited when their grandchildren poop. But that whole idea is contingent on the belief that another fallible human being, who is of his God given freewill and natural design imperfect and prone to making mistakes and changing. There aren’t too many aspects about being human that are permanent. But marriage just so happens to be one of those constructs that is comprised of two imperfect and impermanent parts, that is indeed intended on being permanent. Stranger things have happened I guess. For me, banking on another person fifteen years and three kids later not waking up and wanting a new damn life is scary!! My husband is risking the same in marrying me. He would be trusting that in that same fifteen years and three kids later, I don’t wake up and decide it’s not what I wanted.
I’m a strong proponent of keeping your Zen in your place of residence. I’m stressed at work. I’m often upset while out and about. There is no way I can envision being unhappy in my own home. Part of my fear of marriage is being in an unhappy relationship. I don’t want to stay married to someone “for the kids” or because it’s “cheaper to keep her.” I want to be with someone because that’s where I want to be, because that person makes me happy and makes me feel safe. I’m totally aware that marriage isn’t all bubble gum and lollipops. Nothing worth it is ever easy. Hell writing this blog isn’t always easy; I don’t expect something like marriage to be. I know there will be arguments, hard times, even hard years. You’re supposed to weather the storm together. I believe that if I wait until I find the man who makes me believe that the days I want to remove his heart with my bare hands are worth the good times that we share together, marriage is a viable option. From personal experience, however, I know it’s easy to fall for someone and believe that you want to be with them forever, just to have that turn on its head. You couldn’t tell me that I wasn’t going to marry my ex and mother his children. In my mind, it was fact, and we were just enjoying being together before changing our lives and becoming parents. Enter currently single Ms.Vixin. That ex clearly didn’t work out. I know from experience that people change. Out of the blue their values seem to dissolve and your feelings no longer seem to matter. You being happy is no longer a priority to them. Working through the differences doesn’t seem an option until THEY are ready. Nah, B. I’m not bout that life. Been there, done that, hated it, don’t want to do it again. I know from firsthand experience that a man can totally be in love with you and swear to move the world ¼ inch every Thursday in your honor in March, and straight shit on you and your feelings come May. Bitter? Possibly. Wiser because of it? Definitely. I would be a fool if I didn’t learn from my experiences.
If that wasn’t enough of an example for you, here’s another one for you to blow your nose with. I had a boyfriend that I was with off and on from sixteen to about twenty-two or twenty-three. I’ve lost track at this point. Over that span of time, we planned on getting married and having kids…. Enter real life. That obviously didn’t happen. There was so much growth in each of us over those years. I’m sure you all know how far apart sixteen and eighteen are, let alone sixteen and twenty-two/ twenty-three. We became different people, as we should have. Maturity is supposed to come with age. As we got older, at times we grew closer together, but ultimately we grew apart. I still love him very much, and wish nothing but the best for him, but I’ll be damned if I’m ever with that man again lol. We can be friends (although a strained relationship because he pisses me off constantly) but not lovers. He just doesn’t do it for me anymore. I’m no longer attracted to him in that way. I find him attractive, but not romantically; make sense? Makes perfect sense to me, but I don’t expect y’all to understand my thought process all the time.
Essentially, what I’m trying to express to you guys is that nothing is guaranteed. I learned years ago, that love will not keep two people together. I happened to have been reminded of such since. It takes more than good intentions to make a relationship, let alone one as sacred as a marriage work. I’m just worried about falling and marrying someone who has good intentions, but isn’t willing to work at it. I’m scared that even I will have good intentions, but realize I’ve chosen the wrong person. I want to get married. Really, I do. But at this point it’s just scary as all hell. I guess it’s like a roller coaster — even though you’re scared, your ass gets on for the ride. You know you might DIE but you do it anyway. I guess the right man will make all of this seem less scary. Personally, I feel that if marriage doesn’t scare the living crap out of you, you’re probably leaving too much to chance.
What are your thoughts? Any newlyweds want to comment? I know there are a few of you out there….. Anyone engaged and want to share? Anyone with similar experiences want to back me up??
>So. My bday has come n gone. One important thing I didn’t blog about was the AMAZING bday party I threw myself. I’ve never planned a bday party let alone a feature event. I had it at the strip club that I ONLY bartend at lol( I do not, have not, nor will I eeeever strip. For the record). I booked entertainment, had it catered, handled all promotion, decorations, everything. I funded it all on my own also. Very. Veery proud of myself. I had considered starting an event planning business in the past but like this blog, it was a great idea I didn’t really put my heart into. After the success of my party, I’m beginning to really think I might find success in the business. I guess I’ll wait for someone I know to have to throw some kind of celebration n convince them to let me plan it. No charge of course. Pause I forgot one of the girls specifically asked me to help her w her bday party in January. Lol yeeesssss.
So besides the blurb about my bday party, I wanted to post that I’m going to continue with my blog, but with a new approach. I’m still very open to trying new things in an attempt to continue to grow personally, but not with the same countdown as before. Side bar: I think I’ll also add a results post as to what I got out of my initial attempts. Back to the topic: Now, I’ll be posting more for myself. Not gona lie, part of my lack of participation, was due to a lack of reader participation. I mean if no one was reading/commenting, what was the rush to post? I think that in turn gave any potential readers/commentors a reason NOT to read and/or comment. Clearly, I initially missed the part of my mission where I was to gain SELF knowledge. That shouldn’t have had anything to do with outside participation in my blog. Go figure. Well. Lesson learned right? Lol. But in the intrest of variation and keeping it fun for me, I’m still interested in your opinions and suggestions. I’m open to finding new blogs mysel to read, new adventures to embark upon, and meeting new friends (corny but true). So here’s to a fresh start on an old idea!