The Guilt In Being Single

For me, one of the worst experiences/feelings about being single is the guilt. Most of the time, I’d say a STRONG 80% of the time, I don’t mind being single. My issues comes into play when I start to feel guilty for my desire to want to be in a relationship. I don’t mind being alone, but there are times when things get stressful at work, or with personal issues and I really wish I had someone to help me get through the things that bother me. I only have one friend I feel like I can go to with anything, but I’d still never tell him everything. I would, however, tell my “man” everything. In the first month, no; of course not. Some things not even in the first year.  I tend to be really trusting of the person I commit myself to. To me that’s the point of committing. Anyway, considering I don’t have someone I can be that candid and forthcoming with, I keep a lot to myself. It doesn’t bother me until things build up and get a bit overwhelming. This is when I start to feel a way and wish I were in a relationship just so I’d have someone in my life I trusted enough to share my problems with. Then the logical part of me kicks in and questions my motives. That nagging feeling that I should be able to take care of any and every problem I encounter alone, makes me feel like an idiot for wanting to have someone to help me.

Forget About The If’s What About The Nows?

I totally had plans for another post today, but this has been on my spirit.

“The past is a series of nows we can’t get back; the future a series of nows we can’t guarantee. What to do with the nows of now?” ~ Ms.Vixin

I’ve grown ok with being single. My sole complaint is not having anyone to share my feelings with. I get stressed, I get happy, I get scared, excited, apprehensive, overjoyed and a ton of other feelings and I experience them alone. I tend to think a lot. I’m one of those people who thinks more clearly when I talk things out.  I call my friend Andre every day when I get off work and recap what’s going on (don’t know what I’d do without Dre). But, as much as I love my friend, our convos on the drive home aren’t the same as laying up in the bed, boo’d up and talking about everything that comes to mind with that one person you love. I’m experiencing a lot in my life and I don’t have anyone to share it with. The good, the bad and the in between. Plus, there’s nothing like consistent and meaningful sex.

My Expectations Of Me, You & Us

“Who you are speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

That quote speaks so much, in so few words.  So many times in life we run into people who make grandiose promises and claims. Hell, if you don’t, I do enough for the both of us. It can be really easy to get caught up in the hype of the moment and lose sight of what it actually takes to accomplish all of those promises.  I’ve had my share of promises broken through my life so I’ve become one of those people who doesn’t believe in promises; I believe in actions. Don’t promise me anything. Give me your word and follow through. That’s it.

Something Like Healthy Eating

I’ve been dragging my ass to the gym again, since I’m still paying for it. I’ve loved it all over again, but realized that working out just isn’t enough. I’m not trying to lose any weight, I’m just trying to be healthy…. for my future me. I don’t want to wait until I’m pregnant to try and get healthy in an attempt to have a healthy baby. I figure it’d be a good idea to get healthy now so that 1. I’m around long enough to enjoy my future kids 2. I have a healthy body with which to carry my children so they themselves can be healthy as well. 3. I want to be that hot 40+ year old that everyone still wants. Pretty great reasons if you ask me. Here’s one go to recipe that is easy, inexpensive and tastes hella great. W’s across the board.

The Chink In My Armor

So I told ya’ll about my dog getting hit by a car in a previous post. Now let me tell you what transpired a month later.

On the day Binxi got hit, I was supposed to go out on a dinner date. Considering the way the day was going, I told my date that I wan’t too sure about our plans for the evening especially since he revealed that they’d kick off much later than I’d expected. We agreed that he was going to call me when he left the city around 10pm. Fine. By 10pm that night I was on my bed crying alone, afraid that my dog wouldn’t make it through the weekend. I will admit that part of me was looking forward to that call all evening so that I’d have someone (not really someone, but him in particular) to be there with me that night. Why cry alone when you can cry in someone’s arms? Well, 10pm came and left and no call. This bothered me, because this wasn’t like him. He’s Mr. Communication. If he was running late or there was a change of plans, he’d always call. When I needed him to do something for me, he had my back. We’re actually good friends, even when we’re not dating each other. So when I didn’t get a call, I felt a way. I’d put up a request that my FB friends and twitter followers pray for Binxi’s recovery (if I didn’t say thank you enough before, thank you ALL so much. I believe in prayer, and I thank you all for your prayers, thoughts and well wishes) so I know he knew what was going on. He’s always telling me about something I posted on FB or liking a status or something so I know he checks it. The weekend ends, still no call from him.