Paul C. Brunson It’s Complicated, LIVE @ Bloomingdale’s

I recently went to Bloomingdale’s to attend the Paul C. Brunson “It’s Complicated, LIVE” book signing event. I’d heard about the event through Daphne of UneAutreNaturelle who also runs the Long Island Naturals meet up group I belong to. I arrived in time to find a seat and was shortly joined by my sister in fab hair Jannelle. The event was hosted by the Urban League of Long Island Young Professionals and after meeting some of the ultra cool members at the event, I’m strongly contemplating joining.

After champagne and deserts, over the course of the night topics ranged from how Paul got started, how to find someone compatible, statistics on dating, reading facial expressions, what to wear in different dating situations, how to determine attractability, but definitely not me ending up on stage giving a Prince impersonation. Nope, that absolutely did not happen. lol.

The Guilt In Being Single

For me, one of the worst experiences/feelings about being single is the guilt. Most of the time, I’d say a STRONG 80% of the time, I don’t mind being single. My issues comes into play when I start to feel guilty for my desire to want to be in a relationship. I don’t mind being alone, but there are times when things get stressful at work, or with personal issues and I really wish I had someone to help me get through the things that bother me. I only have one friend I feel like I can go to with anything, but I’d still never tell him everything. I would, however, tell my “man” everything. In the first month, no; of course not. Some things not even in the first year.  I tend to be really trusting of the person I commit myself to. To me that’s the point of committing. Anyway, considering I don’t have someone I can be that candid and forthcoming with, I keep a lot to myself. It doesn’t bother me until things build up and get a bit overwhelming. This is when I start to feel a way and wish I were in a relationship just so I’d have someone in my life I trusted enough to share my problems with. Then the logical part of me kicks in and questions my motives. That nagging feeling that I should be able to take care of any and every problem I encounter alone, makes me feel like an idiot for wanting to have someone to help me.

Forget About The If’s What About The Nows?

I totally had plans for another post today, but this has been on my spirit.

“The past is a series of nows we can’t get back; the future a series of nows we can’t guarantee. What to do with the nows of now?” ~ Ms.Vixin

I’ve grown ok with being single. My sole complaint is not having anyone to share my feelings with. I get stressed, I get happy, I get scared, excited, apprehensive, overjoyed and a ton of other feelings and I experience them alone. I tend to think a lot. I’m one of those people who thinks more clearly when I talk things out.  I call my friend Andre every day when I get off work and recap what’s going on (don’t know what I’d do without Dre). But, as much as I love my friend, our convos on the drive home aren’t the same as laying up in the bed, boo’d up and talking about everything that comes to mind with that one person you love. I’m experiencing a lot in my life and I don’t have anyone to share it with. The good, the bad and the in between. Plus, there’s nothing like consistent and meaningful sex.

Love….?

Having someone love you even though they know the things about you that make you love yourself less, is one of the most confusing feelings.

 There’s one thing about myself that I’ll always hate. Always. It never gets easier to deal with, although some days it just doesn’t weigh on my mind as heavily.  Having someone know my insecurities and fears, the things I don’t accept about myself, and accepting me, loving me despite them? What to make of this? If I don’t accept it, HOW can someone else?

This has been on my mind especially after my weekend, and after watching Rihanna’s interview with Oprah.  The two aren’t really connected, but they mix in my mind.  After listening to her story, I began to think about my own. Why do I end up with the men I do? Why do I generally repeat the same cycle with the same men? I’m a serial re-offender. I break up to make up. Once I love someone that’s it. I’ll always love them. I may not be “in love” with them, but their well being will always be something that matters.  I wish ill upon no one, not even those that have hurt me the most.

I think I’m a forgiving person, but I’m not certain. I’ve only ever totally walked away from two people in my life that I had long standing relationships with. One was a best friend, one was a boyfriend. It also helped, that neither of them reached out after the “breakup”.  Well the boyfriend did, but it wasn’t enough considering the situation.  But every other boyfriend, I’ve broken up with and ended up back with….. numerous times in some situations. I don’t HATE anyone for what they’ve done to me. I don’t carry that around with me. I’m still hurt by it, but I’ve always welcomed love for them back in my heart.  

Am I weak because I go back to something that didn’t work before? Am I weak because I give a repentant ex another chance? Or am I just forgiving? Everyone says you can forgive but not forget. But does forgiving and not forgetting mean you should never trust your offender again? Does that mean you should never open yourself up to that person or anyone else who may do the same again? Where is the line?

I think it boils down to humanity. I’ve been hurt by my parents before. They’re human. They’ve both said and done things in my life that I’ll never forget, but they’re my parents and I love them. Again, I’ve never and will never forget the things I’ve been hurt by, but I still love them. The same way the good they’ve done for me and the love they’ve shown me outweighs their flaws and failures, why can’t it be the same for someone else in my life? Is humanity exclusive? Are mistakes only acceptable from certain individuals in our lives? If you can’t forgive equally are you truly forgiving? Is it ok to love through the mistakes of some and not others?

How do you even know someone loves you? I mean, how do you really, truly, OBJECTIVELY know someone loves you? I have family members I’ve never heard utter the words to me, have never done more than send a few cards over the course of my life and possibly entertain a short convo once or twice in my life. But it’s understood that they love me because they’re family….. K. I’ve had ex-boyfriends tell me and show me that they love me, but fuck things up between us. Does he not love me because he made mistakes in our relationship? Does the family member love me more (even though they don’t know shit about me, don’t speak to me, never reach out and have never even actually uttered “I love you” to me) because they’ve never hurt me? People will say my aunt three times removed who’s probably only seen me a total of 7 times over the course of my 27 years and who’s never spoken more than 3 sentences to me loves me because she’s my family but tell me an ex never loved me because of “the way he treated me”.  Got it. Because that makes perfect sense.  

 As soon as I think I have a handle on this love thing, something happens. I don’t expect to fully understand something so big, but does it have to be this damn confusing?  I’m just full of questions, and I’m not sure how to find the answers.

Christmas In July’s Cara B Naturally Winner

Congrats to Ellesse La’shay who liked TVE on Facebook on winning TVE’s first Christmas in July giveaway! She’s won an 8oz leave in conditioner/ daily moisturizer and and 8oz body lotion by Cara B Naturally.  You want to know what Ellesse had to do to win? Absolutely nothing. Christmas in July is my way of thanking all of you for your support. You liking TVE on Facebook, following on Twitter & Tumblr, and subscribing on YouTube means so much to me. Each week one of you who supports TVE through a form of social media will win a prize for doing just that.  For more info, check out the Christmas In July post here. The more more accounts you like/follow/subscribe the greater your chances of winning. It’s really that simple. Good luck dream catchers!