The Dream That Made My World Stand Still

Today has been one hell of a day already.

Early this morning I awoke from one of the most frightening dreams ever. Not because it was a nightmare per se, but because I was afraid it may come true. I dreamt I lost one of the people I love most in this world. I dreamt I’d lost my brother.

In the dream, I was rehearsing with my mom for a show. I think it was a mix of the stage at LaGuadia community college and the one in the basement of St. Clement Pope church. Both stages I’ve been on dozens of times. I remember falling doing a move and getting back up to talk about it, and was noticing everyone sitting around the backstage area. I saw him, my brother, sitting quietly upstage left. He had on a fitted white tee, fitted blue jeans and a red fitted. I don’t know why I started talking to him, but then I realized I was the only person that could see him. That’s when it hit me that he had died.

Forget About The If’s What About The Nows?

I totally had plans for another post today, but this has been on my spirit.

“The past is a series of nows we can’t get back; the future a series of nows we can’t guarantee. What to do with the nows of now?” ~ Ms.Vixin

I’ve grown ok with being single. My sole complaint is not having anyone to share my feelings with. I get stressed, I get happy, I get scared, excited, apprehensive, overjoyed and a ton of other feelings and I experience them alone. I tend to think a lot. I’m one of those people who thinks more clearly when I talk things out.  I call my friend Andre every day when I get off work and recap what’s going on (don’t know what I’d do without Dre). But, as much as I love my friend, our convos on the drive home aren’t the same as laying up in the bed, boo’d up and talking about everything that comes to mind with that one person you love. I’m experiencing a lot in my life and I don’t have anyone to share it with. The good, the bad and the in between. Plus, there’s nothing like consistent and meaningful sex.

Love….?

Having someone love you even though they know the things about you that make you love yourself less, is one of the most confusing feelings.

 There’s one thing about myself that I’ll always hate. Always. It never gets easier to deal with, although some days it just doesn’t weigh on my mind as heavily.  Having someone know my insecurities and fears, the things I don’t accept about myself, and accepting me, loving me despite them? What to make of this? If I don’t accept it, HOW can someone else?

This has been on my mind especially after my weekend, and after watching Rihanna’s interview with Oprah.  The two aren’t really connected, but they mix in my mind.  After listening to her story, I began to think about my own. Why do I end up with the men I do? Why do I generally repeat the same cycle with the same men? I’m a serial re-offender. I break up to make up. Once I love someone that’s it. I’ll always love them. I may not be “in love” with them, but their well being will always be something that matters.  I wish ill upon no one, not even those that have hurt me the most.

I think I’m a forgiving person, but I’m not certain. I’ve only ever totally walked away from two people in my life that I had long standing relationships with. One was a best friend, one was a boyfriend. It also helped, that neither of them reached out after the “breakup”.  Well the boyfriend did, but it wasn’t enough considering the situation.  But every other boyfriend, I’ve broken up with and ended up back with….. numerous times in some situations. I don’t HATE anyone for what they’ve done to me. I don’t carry that around with me. I’m still hurt by it, but I’ve always welcomed love for them back in my heart.  

Am I weak because I go back to something that didn’t work before? Am I weak because I give a repentant ex another chance? Or am I just forgiving? Everyone says you can forgive but not forget. But does forgiving and not forgetting mean you should never trust your offender again? Does that mean you should never open yourself up to that person or anyone else who may do the same again? Where is the line?

I think it boils down to humanity. I’ve been hurt by my parents before. They’re human. They’ve both said and done things in my life that I’ll never forget, but they’re my parents and I love them. Again, I’ve never and will never forget the things I’ve been hurt by, but I still love them. The same way the good they’ve done for me and the love they’ve shown me outweighs their flaws and failures, why can’t it be the same for someone else in my life? Is humanity exclusive? Are mistakes only acceptable from certain individuals in our lives? If you can’t forgive equally are you truly forgiving? Is it ok to love through the mistakes of some and not others?

How do you even know someone loves you? I mean, how do you really, truly, OBJECTIVELY know someone loves you? I have family members I’ve never heard utter the words to me, have never done more than send a few cards over the course of my life and possibly entertain a short convo once or twice in my life. But it’s understood that they love me because they’re family….. K. I’ve had ex-boyfriends tell me and show me that they love me, but fuck things up between us. Does he not love me because he made mistakes in our relationship? Does the family member love me more (even though they don’t know shit about me, don’t speak to me, never reach out and have never even actually uttered “I love you” to me) because they’ve never hurt me? People will say my aunt three times removed who’s probably only seen me a total of 7 times over the course of my 27 years and who’s never spoken more than 3 sentences to me loves me because she’s my family but tell me an ex never loved me because of “the way he treated me”.  Got it. Because that makes perfect sense.  

 As soon as I think I have a handle on this love thing, something happens. I don’t expect to fully understand something so big, but does it have to be this damn confusing?  I’m just full of questions, and I’m not sure how to find the answers.

My Online Dating Experience Thus Far Folks

Alright, this post is pretty overdue, and considering I don’t want to fold and/or put away laundry, I might as well get to it. Online dating sites are tiring. Yet again, I’ve been paying for something I don’t use, so I figure let’s get what I can out of this before I cancel these subscriptions. Here are my observations so far:

I prefer Match over Chemistry because the men on Match are more attractive to me. Chemistry doesn’t make profiles readily available to search, and Match does. With Chemistry, you have to wait to be sent “matches”. Once you go through all of the ones sent to you, you’re stuck waiting until the next day for a new batch. On Match, once you go through your “matches” you’re free to do a search using your own criteria to seek out potential dates. This, I can get down with. Oddly enough, I’ve learned that I am weirded out by men who don’t show teeth when they smile (I’m a sucker for a nice smile) and I’m more likely to give a goofy looking white man a second look than a goofy looking black man. In my search for a potential date, I breeze right on by the men that live with their parents. I appreciate your honesty here, bro, but this isn’t “real life” where you can dazzle me with your personality and witty pick up lines so that I like who you are before I learn of your living arrangements. The men I’m most attracted to have the wittiest and comical bio sections and tend to like some of the same shows and books I do. A man who’s read The Alchemist, The Hunger Games trilogy, watches Supernatural, Family Guy, and Archer, will definitely get my attention.

As of today I’ve finally gone through all my “new matches” on both sites, have sent a few emails and left a few winks and “I’m interested” notifications. No replies as of yet, but if I can get someones attention other than the men I’m NOT interested in, I’ll be sure to let you know. If you have any questions, definitely throw them my way and I’ll be sure to answer. You can leave them as a comment or feel free to email me using the contact tab. Wish my ass luck ya’ll. My dating life is donkey balls.

All My Single Ladies

As is generally preferred, I’m going to start at the beginning.

I’ve been with this one guy on and off since maybe December/January (we’ll call him “Flash”). We’ve broken up and gotten back together so many times, I’ve stopped counting. It’s really one of those dramatic sagas where you genuinely care about the person and every time you break up you think “ok, one more try…..” Truth be told I’m under enthused and have essentially emotionally checked out of the relationship. But, since I have no room for drama in my regular life, that leaves plenty of room for it in my love life. Our relationship is really something that only he and I understand (and I use “understand” looser than…. *add your own damn analogy here ‘cause I can’t think of anything tasteful*). It doesn’t quite work, but it’s not quite broken either. I guess it’s kind of like that one pair of shoes that you simply live for that’s juuuuuuust about seen it’s last day. You’ll be damned if you throw them out yet though because they are comfortable as all hell, they go so well with just about everything and haven’t completely fallen apart and embarrassed you yet.